We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
