He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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