I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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