I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
