last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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