I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
