Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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