so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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