he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You can't just leave with hair like that
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
