im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
