He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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