I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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