everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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