I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
