I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
