i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she looked like the before picture.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
