you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
