my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
