Jerry, you need to find god
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
