I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
