Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
