I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
