he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
