my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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