My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
