I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
