1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
