im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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