Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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