community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
