today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
