You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
