We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
