you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
