I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
