I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
