I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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