fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
