She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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