a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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