mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
