have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
