Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
