Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
