You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
