she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
