Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
