Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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