I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
