i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
