Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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