I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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