found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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