don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
