RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
